Whenever my head gets foggy, I jot down what it is I want in life to not only better understand myself, but to put things into perspective. You won’t find “world peace” on this list. What you will find, however, is me. The real me. 

What I Want 

• My friends always close and my family even closer.
• To be doing what I love regardless of whether I thought it’s what I was destined to be doing. 
• One very large apartment in the city, and an adirondack chair planted permanently near the sea.
• Never-ending curiosity.
• The kind of love someone once promised me on the top of an Auburn parking garage.
• To never forget everything happens for a reason.
• To always remain true to myself. 

Although, this then sparked a whole rant trying to answer, ”But, Who Am I?”

I’m someone who judges books based on their cover, and is immune to caffeine. I’m blunt, impatient and outspoken — a girl who doesn’t play by any rules, because life’s too short to do otherwise. I’m an over-analyzer who wishes, for once, she could shut off her brain. I’m someone who tries to see the good in everyone, and is constantly giving out second, third and fourth chances. I’m a hopeless romantic who compares too much of her life to “Sex and the City.” I’m someone who’s not afraid to admit her mistakes, and will also admit to making a lot of them. The mistakes, however, are what make you stronger, and I’ve been trying to build myself up for years. My biggest fear is of losing people. I’m sensitive as hell and cry with no shame. I’ve never believed in guilty pleasures, only pleasures, and I scream louder than my dad during any Celtics game. I’m a realistic dreamer, yet a hopeless romantic. I love love and act blindly because of it. I hate wearing pants, have never been able to master high heels and would rather eat a cheeseburger than some chopped salad. I’m quick with the punches, am obsessed with Jack Johnson and love nothing more than alliteration. The thought of someone disliking me forever weighs heavy on my mind. No matter how much I say I don’t care, I do, and as “tough” as I am, I’m really just a girl who wants, someday, for someone to take her hand and meaningfully promise to forever be there. 

• I want to be with someone I can be my entire self around. 
• To always be able to say, “I did all that I could do; I gave it my best shot.”
• Sunday mornings spent wrapped up in sheets, drinking coffee and nibbling on bagels, all while trying to solve the New York Times crossword puzzle. 
• To see my sister have healthy, beautiful babies. 
• To always remain my father’s best friend. 
• To live in New York City for at least a year.
• To become a high school creative writing teacher. 
• To always ask the right questions, but stop questioning the past. 
• Make one person smile every day. 
• A nautical-themed kitchen and a spiral staircase. 
• To go back to France with a decent vocabulary. 
• To always throw myself 110 percent into something, regardless of whether or not I could get hurt. 
• Autumn afternoons filled with apple picking, wine tastings and clam chowder. 
• To remember the three Ls my mother forever taught me: live, love and laugh.
• To continue thinking of my mother throughout the day, and remember she’ll always be there. 
• To have a park close by. 
• To keep singing in the shower, even if someone is standing close by.  
• A walk-in closet.
• To never give up on love. 

Once upon a time, a random woman at Denny’s, whose nickname was Flipper, told me that my life was like an open book. She didn’t even know me. Yet, maybe she was right. 

At what point do you realize what it is you want to do? Or, better yet, that what it is you’re doing is what you’re destined to do?

When asked five years ago, “Where do you see yourself five years from now,” I would have told you I saw myself living in some cubby hole apartment in New York City. I’d have vintage issues of Vogue stacked on top of dusty issues of Glamour, and I’d be sitting much like I’m sitting now — cross-legged with my MacBook propped up on my thighs — waxing poetic about love and relationships.

You guessed it; I was destined to be the next Carrie Bradshaw. I was going to learn to wear high heels before I tripped and fell into my Mr. Big, who would undoubtedly be tall, dark and handsome.

Where am I now? Well, I just signed the lease on one hell of a spacious apartment — nothing “cubby hole” about it. After rolling my ankle three times this past winter, I gave up on the dream of wearing high heels, and if you think I can even begin to decipher my love life or what goes on in a man — pardon me — boy’s mind, keep on dreaming.

I’m writing about higher ed. Beyond actually going to college, I didn’t even know what that would mean. What I’ve found it to mean is meeting people who, at a young age, want to create some sort of change. It’s also meant developing relationships with older people who want to help foster that change. People who see this generation not as one of too-loud hip hop music, but one of optimism. One with an electric spark.

I’ve found myself working for a company I believe in, with people that I believe in. I hear myself out at bars describing what it is I do, and I grow more and more passionate about it. And that’s when I realize what I’m supposed to be doing. Despite the long hours, everything, in the end, becomes worth it. Because, for once, I’m somewhere that’s not so superficial. I’m somewhere where the people around me want to make a difference.

Today, when asked where I see myself five years from now, I say, “Wherever I’m happy.” Could I end up in New York in five years? Sure. But I hope I won’t be getting there in sky-high stilettos.

Where did all this come from? I met up with a close friend tonight. And what’s interesting is that we’ve really only known each other for seven or so months. Sometimes, though, you just know when you meet someone. You know the amount of potential they have, and you can see the impact they can bring. He quickly ended up being one of those people, and he’s now at that crossroads in his life.

Although I 110 percent know everything will work out for him, it’s an interesting question. The question of, “How do you know you’re doing the right thing?” And what the hell does the “right” thing even mean?

To me, the right thing is passion. And you, sir, you have it. You’ve got what it takes to make a difference — to make an impact. So, keep on going.

Where do you see yourself five years from now? I hope it’s somewhere you’re happy.